bad santa
As the saying goes, it’s often better to give than receive. Such is the case for the items below. Behold a small sampling of the ‘worst Christmas gifts’ compiled by Esquire magazine.
Mourning Stones:
What it is: A set of eighteen rose quartz stones that you can leave on the gravestone of the dearly departed to pay tribute and show to others that someone visited.
iPop-in:
What it is: A CD of one-minute-long positive affirmations, set to pop music, so on-the-go people can stay happy.
Kitchen Essential Oil Cleaning Caddy:
What it is: A fine collection of eco-friendly soaps and cleaning products, including dish soap, parsley-based all-purpose cleaner, and a fruit-and-vegetable wash.
Good Night Behavior Modification Light:
What it is:According to the press materials, this is “a behavioral modification device” that helps your child learn when to go to bed by forcing him to stare at a glowing moon until he falls asleep.
The Big Ox:
What it is:An “extreme” line of oxygen, complete with snorting bull, that comes in two sizes (3.5 grams and 4.4 grams) and five flavors (citrus blast, mountain mint, polar rush, rainbow combination, and tropical breeze).
Celeb-4-a-day:
What it is:A Los Angeles-based service that offers very public celebrity treatment — complete with flashing photographers, screaming reporters, bodyguards, and a limousine — to transform a nobody into a faux celebrity for up to two hours.
FurReal Friends Best Friend:
What it is:An animatronic dog that looks like it escaped from Chuck E. Cheese. It can obey six commands — hilariously, one of these is “stay” — and does everything a real dog can do, except form a reciprocal bond with your child, who will be scarred for life the first time the batteries run out.
Robin Charlotte Belt Buckle:
What it is:This line of belt buckles features an array of sea creatures (seahorses, tiny fish) set into a piece of plastic, creating a small aquatic scene. Essentially, a taxidermied aquarium that sits above your crotch.
EyeClops Night Vision Goggles:
What it is: Infrared night-vision goggles for children aged eight and older. This toy, which uses the same tech found in real night-vision goggles, can provide up to 50 feet of visibility in a completely dark environment.
Poo-pourri:
What it is:An air freshener that you spray four to six times on your toilet water before you go to the bathroom. It comes in two sizes — 2 ounces and 4 ounces — and three scents — original, “Royal Flush,” and “No. 2.”
Decapitated Teddy Lamp:
What it is:The name of the product says it all, really. It’s your good old-fashioned stuffed teddy bear with a standard lightbulb fixture and lampshade where its head used to be. Perfect for the prepubescent serial killer.
Lunar Legacy:
What it is: The award-winning Google Lunar X PRIZEspace shuttle delivers a photo and message of your choice to the lunar surface, where it lies among a community of other moon-bound photos and messages
Pink bunny PJ’s:
What it is: Remember Ralphie from that movie, A Christmas Story, that gets played on free cable pretty much nonstop from December 17 until December 31? These are the emotionally scarring pajamas his Aunt Clara forced him to wear.
Fido Bag:
What it is:A vinyl bag, with the word “FIDO” across it, that has a smaller bag attached, perfect for storing your phone, wallet, or change.
Cube guard:
What it is: A giant banner, which stretches across your cubicle, that can be customized to say something like, “Do Not Disturb,” or, “Hey, Everyone At Work! I’m the Anti-Social D-Face Who Sends Out Mass Emails Complaining About the State of Affairs in the Office Refrigerator.”
Apple Cozy:
What it is: An adorable crocheted sweater, for your apple, that was handmade by a presumably adorable, well-intentioned human, who cares a lot about transport-related fruit damage issues.
The Face Bank
What it is: An incredibly creepy, eyeless plastic cube with the vague appearance of a face that “chews” on your money when you insert into the mouth slot.
Do you have a memorable worst gift??
